For Discussion:
1. The tension of being “fed up” is a natural one – Paul addressed this issue because this is something we will need to navigate regularly. Think of a time when you tried to “repay” someone for what they had done or said to you. How did you feel when you attempted to take revenge? Did you feel it was worth it to repay evil for evil or did you regret your actions/words? Did it cause further damage to the relationship?
2. Because we cannot “stumble into peace,” can you identify one effort you can make with a loved one this week that would be an effort towards peace or reconciliation?
3. Do you find it difficult to tell the truth in love? Is there someone who has hurt you that you need to make peace with today? Consider a way that you can address the persons behaviors or words without attacking their character. Also consider how God may heal you and open your eyes to your own struggles when you make an effort to be a peacemaker.
Manuscript:
Good morning everyone! Welcome to Hope City Church. My name is Justin, I’m the Youth Pastor here. If you’re new here, I want to say thank you for spending your Sunday with us. We’re honored that you would do so. We are currently in week three of a series that we’ve titled, “Fed Up.” Last week, Pastor Peter talked about [Relationship Fouls]. If you missed it, go grab it off of our website. I think that you’ll be blessed and challenged by it. I hope that all of you had an amazing Thanksgiving this past week. Some of us are still digesting all of the food we ate on Thursday.
Thanksgiving was always a big deal in my house when I was growing up. Aunts and uncles and cousins that I didn’t get to see often would come over and we would have a HUGE feast. I’m talking turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, homemade mac and cheese, green bean casserole, homemade stuffing, yams, homemade rolls, pies on pies on pies; we had pumpkin pie, Dutch apple pie, and my personal all-time favorite, chocolate cream pie. We would eat until we couldn’t eat anymore, take a break, and then eat some more. It was like a marathon. An all-day eating affair. I don’t know what your family is like, but my family got pretty rowdy when they all got together. It was no surprise if at some point in the night, we got fed up with each other.
One particular Thanksgiving, my younger cousin and I were down in the basement. We took all of the extra blankets we could find, couch cushions and pillows, and put them on the ground to make a wrestling a ring. We called it, “Thanksgiving Slam.” See, I grew up on The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Undertaker. The glory days of professional wrestling. Anyways, so we both make our grand entrance to the ring [with our shirts off]. And we go at it. Fake punches going back and forth like a Rocky movie. I pick him up and slam him to the ground and go for the pin. 1-2-He kicks out. He climbs onto a nearby chair, jumps off and clotheslines me. He goes to pin me. 1-2-I kick out. We both “struggle,” to get to our feet. Once we’re on our feet, I grab him and put him in a headlock. Apparently, he wasn’t able to breathe. When I finally let go, he was fed up. This is the last thing I saw! He goes over to the chair he jumped off of, picks it up and WHACKS me in the head with it. I thought he killed me. To this day, I’ve never forgotten the Thanksgiving my cousin beat me over the head with a chair.
Anybody ever take a chair to the head? What about this Thanksgiving? No, only me? Okay.
Whether it be the messiness of family, an intolerable work environment or a dysfunctional relationship, we all have moments where we get fed up with people. Maybe this past week you found yourself in the midst of a verbal war with family members about something that happened last Thanksgiving. Maybe you have a coworker that you absolutely cannot stand. You shudder at the very sound of their name. Maybe you have a boss who is completely incompetent and because of them, you’re miserable. Maybe you’re in a relationship right now and it’s gotten to the point where you’re ready to call it quits. You’re fed up.
I think this is a tension that a lot of us live in. The reason is because there’s always going to be somebody we’re fed up with and there’s always going to be somebody that’s fed up with us.
So how do we navigate this? What are we supposed to do when we are fed up?
Paul writes a letter to church of Rome to help them navigate those times when they are completely fed up. It’s found in Romans 12:17-2
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Paul writes this because he knew that its human nature to return the favor when somebody wrongs you. When someone hits you, it’s only natural for you to want to hit them back. Paul knew something about repaying evil for evil. He knew that:
PAYBACK NEVER PAYS OFF
If you’re taking notes, write that down! PAYBACK NEVER PAYS OFF.
My parents taught me that I was never allowed to lay my hands on somebody… And I definitely wasn’t allowed to lay a chair on somebody’s head. I was never allowed to throw a punch… unless it was the second one. They said, “If somebody hits you, you hit back. You defend yourself.” When I was in the 6th grade, and I acknowledge that this wasn’t very long ago, I broke this rule. There was an 8th grader that lived in the neighborhood next to mine. We rode the same bus together and I even hung out at his house a few times to play video games. I thought that we were pretty good friends, until one day on the bus he began to make fun of me. He began to throw verbal punches. I didn’t respond to him. I just put my head down and ignored it.
Several weeks went by and he was still at it. One particular day while on the bus ride home, he was ruthless. I mean this guy was in unicorn form. He was in a rare mood. I remember feeling my stomach drop – my hands began to shake – my internal body temperature felt like it raised an entire two degrees. I started to get hot sweats. He was in the front of the bus and I was in the back of the bus. And we were getting closer and closer to his stop. Mine was the stop after his. And right before we got to his stop he said to me, “That’s why your family is white trash.” I was fed up. I couldn’t take anymore. So, at his stop, I got up, went to the front of the bus where he was sitting, cocked my fist back, and I planted one right in the center of his face. His nose began to leak blood all over the seats. It was a big mess. I got suspended from school and destroyed any potential for us to restore our friendship.
I learned a valuable lesson that day: I got payback, but it didn’t pay off.
Maybe you’ve never punched somebody in the face, but I’d be willing to bet that you’ve thought about it. The truth is that when we are fed up with somebody, it’s super tempting to try to get payback because it feels good. One way we try to get payback is:
With our actions – the things that we do
PASSIVE: For some of you, the way that you get payback is through passive aggressive behavior. When you’re absolutely fed up with somebody, you give them the good ole silent treatment. Then there’s the classic, subtle insults. These are disguised as a compliment, but if you actually take time to think about what was said, you realize that it’s actually a jab.
AGGRESSIVE: Others of us would probably admittingly say, “no, we’re not exactly passive when we’re fed up. We’re just aggressive.” We huff and puff like the big bad wolf and try to blow those we are fed up with down. We poke out our chests and attempt to assert our dominance.
Another way we try to get payback when we are fed up is:
With our words – the things that we say
Our words carry great weight. When we’re fed up with somebody or a situation, we can use our words for peace or we can use them for payback.
If you’re anything like me, chances are you’ve probably used your words for payback more times than you’d like to admit. It’s not something I’m proud of.
There’s something about telling off that family member, that boss, or that coworker that feels really good in the moment. The problem is that the moment never lasts. Remorse will kick in. I think Paul knew this, which is why he commands us in verse 17:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
The payback you crave in the present isn’t worth the peace you lose in the future.
The Apostle Paul tells us:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
When you’re fed up with someone, you have the right to disagree, but you don’t have the right to dishonor. When you use the kind of words that are dishonoring, you run the risk of fracturing your relationships. And if we’re being real, often times it’s our loved ones that get the worst of those words. Don’t lose future peace over present payback. Don’t break the trust of a loved one because you’re fed up. Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair. Payback never pays off.
The second principle that Paul is trying to teach us in this passage is that:
PEACE IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE
I don’t know about you, but there have been some people that I’ve come across in my life that I don’t jive with. For whatever reason, we don’t mesh. We’re like mixing oil and water. I don’t know if it’s the difference in personalities or what. Maybe you have these people in your life too. If they’re sitting right next to you, don’t look at them. That’ll make this really awkward. Don’t try to pay them back.
Did you know that Paul has people that he didn’t mesh with? During his ministry, Paul planted churches all throughout the Mediterranean. Along the way, people joined him in his mission. Well, eventually they split up and went their own ways because of differences. They agreed to disagree. I think that’s why Paul says in verse 18:
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
He knew that there is always going to be someone that you’re fed up with and there’s always going to be someone that’s fed up with you. However, this isn’t a pass to Passover peace. Look at what else he says:
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
This raises the stakes! This is a challenge to go as far as you possibly can for peace. And not only does it apply with the people you’re fed up with, but it also applies to the people that are fed up with you. When it comes to peace, we don’t have the luxury to pick and choose who we have it with.
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
That includes your dysfunctional family member, the annoying boss, your baby daddy or whoever else you can think off. We are called to live at peace with everyone. Meaning, we must do everything in our power for the sake of peace.
So how do we get peace? Paul shows us in this passage how! And it’s that:
PEACE ISN’T FOUND, IT’S MADE
When dealing with people that you’re fed up with, you’ll never find peace until you make peace. Peace is a product of intention, it’s not happenstance. In the midst of conflict, nobody ever stumbled upon peace. However, in the midst of conflict, people have stumbled upon something else. Check this video out. These dudes are going at it! Rolling around on the floor like a bunch of toddlers. Then an unlikely hero enters the scene. A man eating at the restaurant they’re in front of gets up, grabs his pizza, and offers it to the men that are fighting. He’s the real hero of this story! don’t know about you, but I’ll make peace over some pizza any day – as long as it’s cauliflower crust pizza… because you know, Keto. Peace isn’t found, it’s made. In this case, it’s made with pizza. Maybe this week you need to make peace over a piece of pizza. Maybe you need to call somebody that you’ve been fed up with and invite them to lunch. The only thing that’ll stop you from doing that this week is yourself.
In leadership it’s often said that the most important, and often times the most difficult, person you’ll ever lead is yourself. I think the same is true when it comes to making peace. Too often we get caught up in what the person did to us. Focusing on the offense only makes you more fed up. I think making peace starts with ourselves. We have to take a deep, honest look at ourselves. We have to address our own mess. We have to figure out what’s happening inside of us that is causing us to REACT the way that we do when we’re fed up. And once we come to grips with that. Once we do that hard work of surveying ourselves, we take it and we give it to God. This is HUGE. Don’t miss what Paul says here:
Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written “vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.”
Leave the payback for God and make the peace. God will judge, all you have to do is love. Verse 20:
If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head.
Paul’s not saying, “love out of spite.” That’s not love. You’re not doing these things to make them pay. I think the principle at play here is that emotion follows motion. A lot of times, we don’t feel like making peace. And because we don’t feel it, we don’t do it. When you make the decision that you’re just going love those you’re fed up with out of obedience to God, something will begin to change in your heart. The feelings will follow. Emotion follows motion. Paul caps it all off by saying:
Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.
To conquer evil with good, you have to intentionally look to make peace. You have to be a Peacemaker.
What would it look for you and me to be peacemakers? To go into every situation with the agenda that we’re going to make peace at all costs, so long as it depends on us.
To get a better grip on what it looks like to be a Peacemaker, we’re going to take a look at a Peacemaker’s playbook:
The first thing that Peacemakers do is they:
TELL THE TRUTH IN LOVE
Peacemakers don’t yell the truth, they tell the truth. Truth+Volume never ends well. If you’re going to be somebody that tells the truth in love, you have to tell the truth in times when stress isn’t high. The best time to talk about needs that aren’t being met isn’t as soon as your spouse walks through the door after a long day. I don’t know about you, but I respond better when I’m not stressed. We have to pick and choose when we tell the truth. There’s a right time and a wrong time. And anytime we don’t tell it in love, it’s the wrong time.
It’s also super important that when you finally tell the truth in love and talk about that thing you’re fed up with, you attack the issue, not the person.
Confession Time: I have a terrible tendency to interject and cut people off before they finish what they’re saying. If I’m trying to sugar coat it, I’ll say that’s it’s because I get excited and I don’t want to lose my thought. If I’m being real, I’m going to tell you that it’s probably because I’m being self-absorbed when I do it. One evening while we were in the car, leaving a gathering of friends, Amanda looked at me and said, “Hey, I know you don’t realize you’re doing this. If you knew you were doing it, I don’t think you would do it. But you have a bad tendency to cut people off when they’re talking. You did it to me a few times tonight and It’s really hurtful.”
Amanda didn’t work around the issue, she worked through the issue. That’s what Peacemakers do. They work through the issue. Because she told me the truth in love and attacked the issue instead of me, what she told me stuck with me. Now I’m aware that I do it and I’m able to work on it!
That’s one thing Peacemakers do. Another thing Peacemakers do is they:
Apologize when they are wrong
We all have our list of names of people that we’re fed up with, but somewhere on somebody else’s list is our name. We have to be willing to own that other people aren’t always the problem. Sometimes we’re the problem. Look, I won’t lie to you – I’m not always the easiest person to love and neither are you. We have to admit when we are wrong. How do we do that? We have to admit to specific actions. Let me tell you what not to do! You don’t say, “I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive and your feelings were hurt.” That’s called a backhanded apology and is hurtful and prideful. The proper response is: “I am so sorry that I raised my voice to you. I shouldn’t have done that.” You acknowledge the issue and you own it.
I also have to address this because it’s facts: sometimes when we’ve wronged somebody, sorry doesn’t cut it. A better response from us would be: will you forgive me?
The next thing Peacemakers do, and is probably by far the hardest thing, is they:
Forgive and Let Go
I’m going to say it again, “Forgive and let go.” Notice that I didn’t say, “Forgive and forget.” Some of you here have been traumatically hurt and have had unthinkable things done to you – you don’t ever forget that, and I wouldn’t dare ask you to. Maybe there was somebody that you trusted, and they lied to you and deceived you. There was somebody that was supposed to protect you, but instead they took advantage of you and abused you. You’re thinking, how do I forgive that? How do I let go of that? With God and with time. Can I be excruciatingly vulnerable with you this morning? When I was a little boy, I was sexually molested by a family member that I trusted. The trauma of that experience stuck with me for many, many years. I’ve never forgotten it. But I have forgiven and let go of it. How? I put it in God’s hands. That’s what Paul tells us to do in Romans 12:19. To let God handle the vengeance.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is take a step back and remind ourselves of all of the things we’ve been forgiven of. Remind ourselves of the infinite forgiveness that God offers us through his Son Jesus. You know, some of you here this morning may believe that God is fed up with you. I want you to know, that couldn’t be further from the truth. God is not fed up with you, He’s fed up with being apart from you. God loves you. He doesn’t hold onto your mistakes. When you place your faith in Jesus, he forgives and let’s go.
God’s forgiveness should motivate us to forgive others. Too often when somebody hurts us, we hold on. Peacemakers don’t hold on, they let go. If you’ve been holding on to something, I beg you to bring it to God and let it go. Forgiveness is ultimately a gift you give yourself. Holding bitterness in your heart is like drinking poison hoping that person dies. Letting go will let you go from the hurt that has held you back from making peace.
As I wrote this message, I had the realization that there was bitterness and resentment that I’ve been holding onto. This past week I called my boss from the very first church I ever worked at because I had to make peace. Over the past two years, I’ve allowed unforgiveness to eat me alive. I resigned from my position there and accepted a position at another church much sooner than any of us would have hoped for. The last words he said to me have echoed in my head over and over again, “Gosh, you really blew it!” At the time, I couldn’t see it. I was filled with so much anger and frustration. Looking back, I can see it now. I don’t think that I completely blew it, but I can totally see the areas where I did. I let my unforgiveness cloud my judgment. I needed to make peace with him and the situation.
Maybe you’re here and you need to make peace with your relationship with God. It’s as simple as saying, “God, I’m fed up. I’m fed up with my mistakes. I’m fed up with holding onto unforgiveness. I need the peace that only you can give. I place my faith in your son, Jesus. I believe he died for me. I’m fed up with being the Lord of my own life. You take control!” If that’s you, I’d love to chat with you and pray with you after the service. As you go this week, I want to leave you with a challenge. I challenge you to make peace with ONE situation, ONE place, or ONE person. Make the peace! Let’s pray!